Hillary aka "Miss Speak": Snifters in Tulsa?

A sniper in Tuzla?

"Say what?" March 2008 will not go down as the best month for politicians in America. As series of scandals and "mis-statements" have plagued all three major candidates for the Presidency, as well as other prominent politicians across the country.

As I fell into a deep sleep, my brain waves began to dance and bend and soon, I entered into a deep, but disturbing dream ....

~ Cue Gary Wright's "Dreamweaver" music ~

...This is the Bombadil News Network Evening News Report. Reporting from New York, your host, Keef Odormannn...

KEEF ODORMANNN: Good evening, and welcome to the BNN Evening News, I'm Keef Odormannn. Tonight, startling new evidence, first reported by the See BS Evening News, that Hillary Clinton mis-spoke when she claimed to have come under sniper fire during a 1996 visit to Tuzla, Bosnia. Video shows the then First Lady calmly greeting children upon landing at an airstrip in Tuzla, rather than ducking and running for cover under sniper fire, as Mrs. Clinton has repeatedly claimed.

Today, the First Lady gave a clarifying statement about the incident:

HC: By now, you've seen the video of my landing in Tuzla, Bosnia, and I just want to say that, like everyone else, I am human. I simply mis-spoke when I described events on that trip. What happened was, I got this event confused with another very vivid memory in my mind, of when Donna Shalala and I shared brandy snifters in the Tulsa airport lounge. I apologize to anyone who was confused by my statement about snipers in Tuzla, and also my statements about snappers in Tampa, schnausers in Tallinn, and snogging in Tunis.

KO:The Obama campaign quickly responded with a statement of it's own:

While Senator Obama has been close friends with Hillary Clinton for many years, he simply cannot remember her ever making any statement that could be considered truly objectionable, and considers her to be like a Crazy Old Aunt who is prone to fear of Bosnians, which is typical of most Cubs fans.

KO: Our reporters also contacted Senator John McCain, the Republican Candidate for President, and we caught up with him on a goodwill tour of Albany. Here's what he had to say:

JM: First of all, I just want to note that Albany is much safer than the last time when I was here, so I think the surge is really working well. There is no doubt, my friends, that the apprehension of Elliot Spitzer has indeed made al-Anbar Province a more hopeful place, and I also want to encourage you to visit Ashley Alexandra Dupre's MySpace website, where you can hear her new single, "I Just Got My Own Legal Show on CNN," and interestingly enough, when you play the song backwards, it keeps repeating, "Number nine, number nine, number nine."

KO:Our reporter on site, Geraldo O'Cafferty, asked the Senator:

GO: Senator, any thoughts about this shocking development that it is possible, just possible, mind you, that Senator Hillary Clinton may have told a slight fib about coming under sniper fire in Tuzla?

JM: Well, Hillary ... Senator Clinton ... is my friend, and so I don't know if it would be appropriate for me to say much about that, until Senator Lieberman de-briefs me on the matter, but I do believe it is common knowledge that the Iranian regime was, at the time, actively engaged in arming and training the Serbs.

KO: The Clinton mis-statement could not come at a better time for the Obama Campaign, which has been trying to shake the controversial statements of Senator Obama's former pastor and close friend, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. However, new video surfaced today of Reverend Wright giving a sermon at the Westboro Baptist Church back in 1999 at a surprise birthday party for Reverend Fred Phelps:

JW: ...and then we bombed Salzburg, and we supported the Backstreet Boys, and we threw Pet Rocks, and we blew up the Ozone Layer with crack cocaine, and we gave herpes to Mohammed al-Fayed, a humble, hardworking London shopkeeper, and HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT! You want me to sing "Happy Birthday"? No, no, no, no ... not Happy Birthday, but Crappy Birthday! Because I think of what could have been! I am proud to say that my state of Illinois actually voted for Fred Phelps in 1948, and if Fred Phelps had been the President back then, I don't think a lot of this would have happened.

KO: Hillary Clinton was quick to point out why this should not be a campaign issue during this election cycle ....

HC: I don't want to keep bringing up Rev. Wright, because anytime the name "Wright" is mentioned, it hurts Obama, because "Wright" will conjure up all sorts of negative soundbytes and images in people's minds, and I am running a positive and truthful campaign here. Therefore, I really regret that this new video of Rev. Wright has surfaced, because the Wright-Obama connection is just so toxic right now for Obama, which is why, I think, it is so unfair to continually make the connection between Wright and Obama or Obama and Wright.

So, if I were in the Obama camp, I would hope that the name of Wright would not be mentioned at all - and, frankly, I imagine that Rev. Wright would like the story to die as well, which is why Wright went to Africa for awhile. So, for the sake of Rev. Wright's good friend, Senator Obama, and to be fair, I think we should just leave Wright alone and let Wright be Wright . Right?

KO: Here to analyze this latest kerfuffle are our two objective analysts, Larry Craig, and James Carville, who are seated here at the desk with me here, and Kwame Kilpatrick, who is texting us from his car in Detroit. First, James, over to you ... what do you make of all of this?

JC: Keef, I tell ya, that dog ain't gonna hunt, it's like an alligator chewing on briars, and it reminds me of that Ole Miss game where Billy Cannon ran that punt back like 90 yards or something. This whole ... this whole ... this ... Uh, Keef, is that your foot kicking me?

KO: Not me, James, I'm all the way over here, ask Larry ...

LC: Sorry man, wide stance ...

JC: No sweat and, hey, while you're at it, can ya take your hand off my leg? Thanks. Anyway, this campaign is getting hairier than Tom Jones' chest, and I think that pretty well sums it up.

LC: I've never even met Tom Jones! I resent that! Ooops, hey, wait ... uh ... here's a text message coming in from Kwame Kilpatrick. He's ... ooooh. Oh my. He just wants to say, hehehehe, uh, well, maybe, never mind. Back to you, Keef.

KC: Finally, in tonight's report, the latest Governor of New York, Roger Clemens, who stepped into the office after former Governor David Paterson's resignation following revelations of MSG abuse, announced today that he did, in fact, posses weapons of mass destruction in 1991, but that he destroyed all of them following a tryst with UN Secretary General Koffi Annan at a Houston Motel 6.

That's all we have for you tonight on BNN, but stay tuned for Grace Van Matthews on "Hardbull 180" as she interviews former Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco, who has just signed with the William Morris Talent Agency and will star in the upcoming HBO series, "Babe: The Dennis De Young Story."

~ Cue "Dreamweaver" music ~

... and then, with a start, I awoke, and my bedclothes were soaked with perspiration, and my brow was cold and damp. "Newsvine," I said, "you're really starting to get under my skin."

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